Curly's World

With the final day of the move upon me, moving to a new apartment, I cannot sleep.

I tried working on a few antique train repairs that are still not moved over. What a bust!

I got two Mantua locomotive frames, but their boilers are already moved over. Got an AC Gilbert and a few Varney boilers, their frames are in boxes!

So I am doing what I can to while away time, which isn't much.

Well since Tanja is away on colony with the kids from her work, then I am spending my evening in front of the computer and watching a few movies on the TV, that I never got around to when Tanja was home. It is half past 1 here, so I am getting a bit tired after spending the day at the beach with the kids from my work in high winds, and cloudy skies - yet bathing. Too much fresh air...

I have been playing a few games, and setting up some stuff, both offline and online (not all CWF) and I think I am all ready for another late night tomorrow.

Chroelle wrote:...high winds, and cloudy skies - yet bathing. Too much fresh air...

High winds and cloudy skies??? Thought the summer reached Europe all over. Here it is sunny, sunny, sunny. And very hot, weather forecast says we will get 37 degrees celsius this weekend. And it should stay this way (maybe not that hot) for weeks.

We got a bad weather day yesterday, otherwise it's in the mid-twenties Celsius here too, and hitting 32 during the weekend. We get a little colder weather here, because we are closer to the water I think.

We are hoping the weather will stay this way, though the apartment gets extremely hot to be in, but then again we always try to get out of there as much as possible anyway...
Will try to add a game tonight, so my plans for the evening regarding CWF is: Playing retroraider to help out Jay, playing the silver lining until I am done, and adding a game. I also have 3 more games lined up ready to be validated... Cant remember the name of the first, but it's quest fighter 2 and tales of Zuidat.
I think I might also try a little more Hikkikomori, but I am not sure. Not sure I have the patience, nor the stamina tonight (I am getting old)...

Well it is turning 1 at night here now, but I am turning in. Way too tired after a day of hayfever to stay up and play anymore. But I got a couple of games played so I am content with what I got done tonight. I wanted to add a game, but I have been so dense in my head that I was sure to mess something up while trying to do so.
I am glad to see that everything is going the right way currently - and even during a summerperiod, where we otherwise always loose a lot of speed on CWF. I have got one more suggestion to go before I go to bed, and then I will see all of you tomorrow.

I finally got my review at work on Tuesday, and I would have to say it was the best review I had ever gotten at work, along with a promotion to Programmer Analyst. I just wish it had come a month ago before my team was given the project we have now, because the mutual stress level is at about a bijillion. I celebrated today by buying a new pair of shoes, then proceeded to repeat that, "Papa's got a new pair of shoes!"

I also discovered a few days ago that the guy that sits behind me for the past 4 months is a gamer. So we've been tlaking about everything from computer upgrades to the bizarre shift in Mars levels to Hell in Doom 3.

I'm hoping to get some more games played for CWF in the next couple of days as I may have some down time tomorrow and Sunday.

Cheers, have a beer on me tonight...or two or three...

Comgrats on the promotion Pager.
And do tell your co-worker about CWF.

I dont sleep, because Im trying to explain my friend that it is still worth to live. She is in the process of divorcing her husband (her first man ever) and she just got the news that his one night stand drunken love got pregnant. He doesnt want the kid (in fact he never grew old enough to accept the child) and, like men usually do in such situations, he turned to her for help and forgiveness. It would be very easy to contrast the irresponsible not fully grown-up kid/man with her, but it's not that easy. The real news (for me, now) is that she was once pregnant, but she miscarried in her third month. Now I wonder if this event somehow affected her husband and he lost a bit of dignity and self-consciousness in the process and turned to be a bad guy. It's a really serious question, because Im trying to help her somehow; she doesnt know what to do - divorce and totally forget her marriage (hard to execute) or try to forgive him and talk things over.

I dont expect anybody of you to know what to do from your own experience (it's the emotional puzzle I wouldnt wish the worst enemy to have), but maybe you had similar cases in your surrounding, possibly happily settled.

Keepsmilings and itsgonnagetbetters dont work, I need some real advice.

Sorry, that's hard to say, eMTe. I think there can be no general advice. It depends very much on the personality of the involved persons and on several other factors. How deep was there love? How much is left? How much are the feelings hurt? Was it an One-time "mistake" by the man or were there other incidents before? Were they able to talk about their feelings and also about their loss (of the unborn child) in the past (which would be very important now)? Would they accept professional help (which might be helpful)? These are just a few questions and I could imagine many, many more. I fear only your friend and her husband know the answers and no one can really help them with that.

There is just one thing I'm pretty sure of: If she really decides to forgive him, it has to be complete forgiveness. It's hard to do and I think you have to be a very strong and confident person to forgive that way, but a relationship doesn't work if there is mistrust and accusations for things of the past. I knew some people who tried to forgive, but couldn't really do it. In the end it always lead to arguments and fights and in the end their relationship nonetheless broke.

The issue is more complex, actually. To put it in straight words: she has a cancer. Most likely results will be fatal. Imagine yourself - you're an intelligent woman, you love people, animals, you live your life the best you can, you are smart, you have fine job, you love photography and youre successful in it (professionally), you love travels, you love your family, you want to have children and people call you one of a kind person who makes them smile when they meet you and what you get from life? A cancer, an asshole husband and no reason to live.

Now, any reasonable advice to help me sleep?

I fear you won't get a reasonable advice.

It might sound bizarre , but maybe the fact that life treats you like shit is the only reason to live on in a situation like that. Just to proove that life won't get you to your knees without a long, hard fight and that you are stronger than all circumstances. Of course that isn't reasonable at all. More an act of angry, senseless rebellion as you will most probably loose in the end. But who knows, after all anger is a very powerful motor and maybe it will keep you running much longer than any other emotion.

Sorry, I can't come up with anything better, but unfortunately there is no answer to the question why life is so f***ing unfair so very often.

I didnt need any advice, I am just very angry at times when I hear stories like that.

Ok. Now here is a chapter of my life I am not sure I shared too much of in here. My last girlfriend died from cancer, and she was a nice, gentle, sweet innocent girl that lived a not so pleasant childhood, where her parents openly favored her older sister because she was a professional athlete. She had nothing to show for herself in their eyes, unlike her sister. I was with her for around a year, and I was the one who sent her to the doctor when she didn't want to go herself, and he cut her, and later (IDIOT!) found out that he, by cutting her, opened up the "stream" for the cancer, and it spread to a wide area, causing her to loose her one breast (it was a skin cancer - not breastcancer).

I was with ehr throughout the treatment, realising in the process (with her) that we had just been random boyfrined-girlfriend couple and not anything deep, but it got deep because of the cancer. We were suddenly more like a pair of friends, and we decided to stop fooling ourselves, and broke it off. We still kept seeing, and I still went with her to checks. I started my education, and she found a job, which meant we suddenlt couldn't find time for eachother as often, and when I found a new girlfriend (not Tanja - just an in-between fling-kind of relationsship) she felt it was hard to keep seeing me, as she missed the old times of comfort with me - not the love part or something, but she couldn't be comforted she felt, and be as close as she wanted when I had a girlfriend. She later told me that she wanted to hook up again, but it was obvious that it was just for comfort! I talked to her on the phone a couple of times, and all of a sudden she stopped calling me, and I wondered why. A few months later, my mom found out through a friend off hers that Mette, my ex, had died from cancer. A cancer that had hit her in Novem/December and had spread so fast that she had passed away from it in February. I like to believe that the reason she didn't call me was that she didn't want me to get involved in it once again, for my sake. I would have liked to have been there though.

In the midst of all this I meet Tanja, and she has a hard time understanding my feelings towards this girl that she never met, or heard the full story about. But she respects that I have a hard time with the passing of her. After knowing Tanja for only a few days I tell her that I never want to go through cancer with a girlfriend again, because it was so hard to go through the first time. This later comes back up when Tanja 3 months later when we are talking about cancer suddenly burst into tears, and lets me know that she has been keeping a secret from me, so we could be together. Every woman in her family for the last x-number of generations has died from cancer after having multiple different types of cancer. And this was underlined when some years later Tanjas mother died from cancer, a week after learning that she had cancer at all. Tanja is doing everything in her power, vaccines, healthy lifestyle (something that the other women in her family didn't have) and check-ups at the doctor, so if/when cancer strikes she will know quickly (unlike her mother). I still have this on my mind at least once a week, where I ponder wether I will have a mother for my girls in 5, 10, or 20 years...

So to say it in short terms - I don't have any advice what so ever, but I do know and feel your anger with you towards cancer.

That your girlfriend had a dirtbag for a husband (with his own issues that made him act that way - he's probably not evil, just a product of his own world), might somehow be weighed out by you being such a good friend. A trust in the world might need to be somewhat restored - so keep caring, and yes you will loose your nights sleep over this, but it's the right thing to do. Sorry if the last part sounded quasi-philosophical - it wasn't meant to be - but simply something I learned along the way in my own experiences.

Sentence to remember: "One day she might not be here any more, and then you will know that your support made things a lot easier for her, even if things were never easy".

She's not my girlfriend, just a friend.

Oh, I never thought she was - but I see how yout thought I would. But then again - was my girlfriend really my girlfriend? My points still holds though.

In fact she is now my online sister.

She brings hectolitres of tears to my eyes, but in the same time she makes my emotional life better. Ill leave it open to interpretation.

Im tuning whole neighbourhood to Cocteau Twins, Dead Can Dance, Autechre, Boards of Canada an alikes. No knocking to the door, no police. What the hell. Lets have fun.

Introducing Air, Stereolab, Kraftwerk, Tangerine Dream, Can, Pink Floyd... No objections, they either have earplugs or listen!

Introducing Lycia, R.E.M., David Gray, Dave Matthews... Nevermind. Nice neighbourhood I have.

I just came home from a, let's say hetero-friendly gay nightclub with a Hello Kitty stamp on my hand. It's just two blocks away, so it's in my neighborhood.

Anyway, R.E.M. and Man on the Moon wish you good night.